I have some feedback for you

When someone says, “I have some feedback for you,” the brain usually interprets these words as an attack. A common response is defensiveness.

While we have all been on the receiving end of criticism – that uncomfortable conversation often toned down by pleasantries – it is neither easy to give nor take.

Resisting receiving constructive feedback does not make the feedback disappear, nor does it improve your effectiveness: Feedback is a gift, not a punishment. Resisting feedback keeps a person from improving. View criticism as an opportunity to grow. 

While receiving positive feedback is encouraging, receiving constructive feedback can be difficult. Even though everyone makes mistakes and has room to improve, accepting constructive feedback in a positive way is still a challenge. 

Dealing with criticism is a part of life. Criticism can result in aggression, ill-feeling and stress but it does not have to be like this. Work on being a less sensitive person. Learn how to be more emotionally stable and deal with negative judgements.

Why validation matters

Validation is a communication skill that can help both parties in a conversation feel heard and understood. It shows that you are truly listening to understand the other person’s feelings and point of view, even if you disagree. 

Validation is particularly important during emotionally charged situations. It can be really hard to listen and respond to someone in an understanding way when you are upset, or your experience differs from theirs. 

An empathetic, nonjudgmental response can reduce how often and how severe conflict is when it surfaces, which can help you improve your relationships. 

On the other hand, responses that are dismissive, defensive, or rejecting tend to escalate arguments and lead to misunderstandings, and they can make you or the other person feel unimportant, angry, or ignored.

Some people may be reluctant to validate someone they think is wrong. Validation is not agreeing. It is legitimizing. It is signaling “it is OK that you feel that way, given all you've been through.”

Your relationships will benefit when you communicate that you are validating the other person’s viewpoint. If we can become more validating friends, we will make our friends feel safer, happier, and better about themselves.

Understanding your real impact on others

What it is like to deal with you? 

Do you know how your colleagues feel about working with you?

It is important to know how people experience you and how people experience themselves when interacting with you. 

The best way to find out it to get specific feedback from your co-workers to find out how you are really perceived. 

This process might be a bit uncomfortable or even tough to do, but you can’t deny the reality of other people’s feeling, reactions, and perceptions. They are neither right nor wrong. Whatever they are, you must know them and deal with them.

Many times, there is a hidden gap between what we see and what those around us see. When there is an impact disconnect (even a very subtle one) we are not as effective as we can be. 

These disconnects are called professional blind spots and despite our best intentions, these blind spots may be holding us back or preventing us from reaching our full potential.

Does perception matter?

Perception is how we interpret what is going on outside of ourselves. 

Perception molds, shapes, and influences our experience of our personal reality. It is the conclusion we jump to when we try to analyze events and behaviors of others.

Your perceptions affect the quality of your experience of life. It impacts your personal reality and ultimately your experience of life.

If you constantly perceive people like your boss or teacher as always being against you, you will most likely react in a defensive, combative, negatively reactive, and victim-like way. This way of perceiving people can lead to experiencing intense levels of unhappiness.

How to switch to a more positive perception of life?

Take personal responsibility for your past reactions and stop blaming other people. Then you can begin to see people, events, things, and even yourself from a more neutral or positive perspective.

Have a willingness to see things differently. Everything begins with a decision. Decide now to be in charge of your own perception of reality. Change of any kind requires willingness. Readiness to see things differently creates room for us to learn and create new perceptions. Things aren’t always what they seem.

Activate your pause button when triggered. Hitting “pause” and taking a moment to breathe and ground yourself into the present moment so you can choose how you will respond from a more empowered place. 

Misperceiving certain situations, likely because of previous negative experiences you have endured, can also cause you to miss out on some fantastic things life has to offer, such as promotions at work or romantic relationships.